what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
