turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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