On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
