a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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