i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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