Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
