i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize