Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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