I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
