I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
