genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
