why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
