I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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