New invention idea: vibrating tampons
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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