You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
