I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
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