Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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