I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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