Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
