im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
