someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
