I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
