I can't breathe out the right side of my face
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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