My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
