I want to walk on stilts...naked
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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