i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
