you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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