woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
