No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
