based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
