erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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