I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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