when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
