i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
