somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
