hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
