hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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