no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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