Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
