I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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