My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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