apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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