cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
