Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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