My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
