I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
