and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
