I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
