Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
