Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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