is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
