Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize