Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize