This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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