I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
