I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
