Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize