whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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