I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
