Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Randomize
