I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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